An Inconvenient Heat Wave

Originally posted: July 26, 2006

Dear Editor,

I am writing in response to your piece, “An Inconvenient Heat Wave.” Partly because I was moved, frustrated, and could relate as a victim of a three hour blackout last night. It was horrible. This morning my milk tasted sour and my through-the-door dispenser was discharging half dissolved ice.

We are in agreement, Americans need to cut back on all forms of consumption. We may in fact be addicted to consumption. We love to consume and to over consume. We are spoiled. And nobody likes a spoiled bitch. We need to teach moderation in our classrooms. I think after six non-denominational prayers, we teach moderation. Then we spank the kids. Wasn’t the world a better place when we spanked? Nobody spanked this current generation of twenty something’s and they’re begging for it from their mates in the bedroom. I think the message is loud and clear, we want to be spanked. I was spanked as a kid, and I can tell you honestly, as the lord is my witness, I have never needed anything more than the missionary position.

I disagree that the end is near. I haven’t seen any sales at Macy’s. And your “Sky is falling” cries are not only irresponsible, but reckless. Motivating by fear is wrong. A few weeks ago, we were all paralyzed with concern because North Korea was testing a long range nuclear missile. Could a North Korean missile reach U.S. soil pondered the pundits? Ponder no further. That missile didn’t hit us, it hit North Korea. So, as it turned out, North Korea should be more concerned that North Korea has nuclear weapons. And I wasted all that time worrying about whether I should convert my game room into a bomb shelter when I could’ve used that time on Youtube.

Don’t you think if we’re headed into an apocalypse Christ himself would come back first? And that can’t be, because I haven’t received an Evite from him yet. I think the final sign of the end would be this headline, “World blames Jews for heat wave.” On that note, we have a bunch of those Jews in my town, and you know what, they’re not bad people. Friendly and considerate. Although, I suspect they are working undercover because they aren’t wearing those Yamulkes.

But overall, I applaud you. You nailed it! Conservation will secure our future. Not mine, I’m sure I will not live long enough to see the detriments of global warming. I hope I do, I’m sick of my winter heating bills. But I trust the negative of global warming outweighs the momentary frustration I feel when I have to decide which is the appropriate bin for my recyclable item. So, I am cutting back for the future of my kids and I’m taking action right now! I’m not waiting for inspiration from a t-shirt campaign from Puff Daddy this time.

“Na na na na na na, watch me consume,” that is the taunting message we are sending out to the world. I think this is why most of the world has a negative impression of us. Look at the way we stuff our faces with food, retreat to our air conditioned homes and complain about our slow internet connections. Could we be contributing to global warming with our fat bodies radiating heat? Don’t laugh, our next war could be a war for cooking oil. Who’s controlling all the Canola?

Are we that crazy? I live in a country where it’s illegal to burn our money, but not to burn our flag. (Defacement of currency is a violation of Title 18, Section 333 of the United States Code.) Yet in parts of the world, flag burning is a pastime, a group activity, and money is so scarce that desecration is not even an option. Has burning of the American flag contributed to global warming?

I have already made adjustments in my life and your readers should know how easy it was. For instance, now when I watch TV, I do it with my surround sound off. Which means when I watch the news, I’m hearing people suffer in other parts of the world with just my crummy factory installed TV speakers. But I still get the point. And as I suffer, living my life stripped of luxuries, I feel closer to my international brothers and sisters. Sure, I’m not drinking water from a river my brother’s mule is defecating in… yet, but surround sound really enhances the viewing experience.

In addition, I am only using my automatic garage doors once a day. I am keeping the air conditioning set at 68. My wine cellar at 55. Ceiling fans will only be on when someone is in the room or on the same floor or somewhere in the state. My son’s trophy display case is only lit up when we have company over. These are just a few examples.

Want more? The other day, instead of getting in my car and driving across the parking lot to the Wal-Mart, I walked to the Best Burger. I must admit I was shocked to learn that my car only gets three and a quarter parking lot miles per gallon. But every little bit helps. Please do your part too.

All the best,
Orny Adams


© Copyright Orny Adams, Icrushed Productions 2006
www.ornyadams.com